A day in the life....

Day 3 of the 2008 school year and I thought I might share with you what I do ALL DAY. This is just a little sampling of the phone calls I field daily. I handle roughly....30 or 40 of these daily. Many are hostile. Most begin by the caller telling me what a lousy job I do and how they personally pay my salary with their taxes and they are going to have my job taken from me because I suck. It goes a little like this:
"Hello. I'm a disabled Grandma and I'm very upset with the bus service my grandchildren are getting. I live at 2534 Foxbriar and there are petty-fliers all over my neighborhood. I bet you don't even care that my grandchildren walk by petty-fliers trying to get home to Grandma Me-Me! My grandchildren all call me, Me-Me. I can't walk to the corner to pick up my grandchildren who call me Me-Me from their bus stop because I don't have cartiledge in my knees. I certainly can't ride a bike up to meet them. I used to be a bus driver but now I have arthritis. I can't walk. I can't protect my grandchildren from those petty-fliers. The doctor recommended knee replacement surgery because I have arthritis in both knees. I wish those petty-fliers would move. Maybe they should be moved to jail. That's where petty-fliers belong but they all live in my neighborhood and they walk the steets. Speaking of walking, I can't walk because I have arthritis. I'm going to have to have knee surgery to help my arthritis. Please check on those petty-fliers. I need the bus stop moved to right in front of my house so Me-Me can protect them children from those petty-fliers even though I can't walk. Did I mention that I have arthritis?"

I never thought I was a dog hater....

This morning I went out to get my newspaper from the front lawn as usual. The day was clear, the birds were singing, I didn't have to be to work for another 2 hours, all was right with the world. I began to putter around my flowerbeds and pluck some weeds. ENTER 3 DOGS. The first dog ran up to me barking and scared the heck out of me. The second dog ran over to my mailbox flowerbed and took a pee. He even looked at me while he was doing it as if to say, "Whatcha gonna do about it, Granny?" The owner of this dog walked over to my driveway and gleefully mentioned that it looked like her dog hadn't gone to the bathroom for days. Dog number three then runs up to me and sniffs my legs as if he's going to lift HIS and mark his territory. Meanwhile, dog number two is STILL spewing a stream into my mailbox flowers. At this point I tell my neighbor, "If you're dog pees on me, we're going to have a BIG problem." Why do dog owners think it's ok to let their animals come and pee on things of value? I wouldn't dream of creeping over to her house,lowering my pants and piddling on the hood of her car. I just don't get it. I still had the mud on my hands from lovingly picking weeds out of the same flowers her dog was spraying. I have decided that I'm going to invent a hideously mean dog zapper. Let's make it a hideously mean ELECTRIFYING dog zapper. I'm imagining a wire attached to a 12 volt battery. No, let's make it a CAR battery with a 350 horsepower punch which will be stratigically placed within my flowerbed. Then...when the next unsuspecting dog comes and lifts his little hind leg and begins to pee on my prize flowers, that live wire will create an electric current which will be carried 'gently up the stream.' You got it baby...a nice quick jolt to the tallywacker. Can you say, "Smokin"? How many times do you think it will take doggie to figure out he's messing with the WRONG MAD GRANDMA?!?

I MISS MY FAMILY !!!!!

That's it. That says it all. I just wanted to shout it and see if I felt better..............................................................................................................................ummmmmmmm.................................................................................................................................................................................................nope.

THERE'S NOTHING WORSE...than a dead bloated frog

I just love my hot tub. I love the bubbles. I love the water. I love that I don't get sea-sick as I float in this bubbling vat. I opened up the cover of my hot tub this past weekend to find a dead bloated frog. I gasped and thought to myself, "EWWWWWWWWWWW...there's nothing worse than a dead bloated frog in my happy hot tub." I went to work the next day and lots of people noticed that I had a cold. "There's nothing worse than a summer cold.", they said. One of my co-workers had a toothache. "Oh, there's nothing worse than a toothache.", she murmered.


Now that I'm 50, I can sagely say that one should NEVER utter the words THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN. As soon as you utter those words it's almost as if you're daring fate to give you another swift kick in the neck. Things can always get worse. I know
this to be true. Cases in point:

There's nothing worse than biting into a hard and shiney red apple and finding a worm UNLESS you bite into said red and shiney apple and only find half a wiggly worm. :-(~ Patoowee

There's nothing worse than yardwork on a steaming hot Texas day until you notice that cinch bugs have eaten the roots of your lawn in patches and you now have a leopard looking lawn to mow.

"It's just hair." is something you say to someone on the receiving end of a bad haircut UNLESS it's YOUR hacked to pieces haircut given to you by someone you want to spit on and run over with a car. There's nothing worse than a bad bad horrible bad short (did I say really bad yet?) haircut except maybe female baldness which I'm wondering if that wouldn't look better than my present REALLY bad haircut does.

There's nothing worse than dieting in the attempt to get down to a certain weight UNLESS you step on the scale and realize all the working out you've done has caused you to GAIN weight.

There's nothing worse than a house in the winter with no heat until the weather turns really cold and you live in a house with no heat AND all the water pipes freeze leaving you with no heat AND no water.

There's nothing worse than a poke in the eye. Haha...that's it...there's nothing worse than a good poke in the eye.

There's nothing worse than a bee sting, unless you're Westlee and the sting makes your head swell up to 3 times it's normal size rendering you anything but normal looking.

There's nothing worse than being sea sick, UNLESS you are stuck on a 5 hour deep sea fishing boat which is being flung uuuuuup and doooooown on waves that I swear were 35 feet high and you have PAID FOR THIS.

Now...write and give me a few more NOTHING'S WORSE stories of your own.